A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

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Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know


(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…


Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?


I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”


My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager


Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.


You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.


[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.