Don’t kid yourself vegans.
If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know
A cig takes 7 minutes off your life
A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life
According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.