@sofarrsogud: [God creating the squirrel] Shrink a red panda and give it cocaine.

@Zwolf666: Stephen Hawking's worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.

@Parentpains: My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

@sammyrhodes: Do they make a scale that says things like "Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?"

@TheAlexNevil: Drumpf's presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn't possibly win