Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage