A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

You Might Also Like


Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.


Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.


I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.


It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.


M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?

Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!

Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down

Me: well this is embarrassing


What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to


ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES