A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
whatcha thinkin bout
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”