A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Inside you there are two wolves
All is fair in drunk and war.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Black Friday “markdowns” like
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.