“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
my mom making me talk to relatives
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.