A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Scream sneezers need love too.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves