A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda