@bacon_gillepic

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

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@tigersgoroooar

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

@3sunzzz

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

@cravin4

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

@daemonic3

them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁

@dril

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

@ClaytonSykes

Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?

@Average_Dad1

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

@mortimermaiden

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

@thesulk

I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”

@dorsalstream

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?