A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them