A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.


Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.


I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.


them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁


drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,


Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?


These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich


me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.


I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”


Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?