A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I have never related to anyone more.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
From Facebook just now…
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.