Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’m calling the cops.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Print is alive and well!!!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Only short people can save us
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Did…did a minotaur write this
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.