Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
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“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!
Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Psycho or Socio, choose your path wisely.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.