@IamEnidColeslaw

a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds

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@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@thepunningman

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

@Goofpoops

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

@PondHockeyPro

Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom

@1StevieKilner

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

@lazy_joe_

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

@phxguy88

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

@pharmasean

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.