[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Finally!
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
twitter is a journey
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?