A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*