A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Merry Christmas
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Lmao
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
meanwhile over on facebook
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”