No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
The Punning Dead.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.