“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic