America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I…do not understand how electricity works.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
This kid will have a bright future.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.