A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

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Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”


Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?


I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.


Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.


A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief


My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.


Gf: you’re speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what’s the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive


Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.