A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
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I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Hey i am sexy to you now
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Seems kinda suspicious
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing