@JamieGreenlees

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

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@Contwixt

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

@TheAlexNevil

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

@AlishaMRM

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

@newportdaddy

Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.

@ADHDeanASL

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

@hazelmotes1

My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.

@DaddyJew

Gf: you’re speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what’s the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive

@jackiembouvier

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.