A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.