“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh
when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”
Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”
She never spoke to me EVER again
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I could never cheat in a relationship,
That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.