A comma is just a period with a mullet.

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“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru


[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank


GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.


Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.


1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh


when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”

Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”

She never spoke to me EVER again



•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive


INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.


Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*


I could never cheat in a relationship,

That requires 2 women to find me attractive.