A community gardening co-op called Weed ‘em & Reap

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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy


Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”


You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!


1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas

5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner

10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun


Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.


If your wife asks what would you do without me?

ENJOY MY LIFE is not the correct answer


When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed


Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.


Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.


Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?