A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.