@Daveastated

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

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@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

@turtledumplin

My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….

Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund

@SortaBad

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

@BeeBabs

Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines

@UncleDuke1969

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

@Aikiwomannc

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

@SoulYodeler

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

@daddydoubts

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

@grimpossible

If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.