A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

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Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.


My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….

Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund


After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.


Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines


“Are you listening?”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”


Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill


I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.


Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.


If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.