A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
#winning
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.