‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today