‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

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Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.


“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”


[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?


[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go


[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*


Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.


My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday


how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose


I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.


Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-


Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?