I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?