*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
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“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Today I was walking my dog and a man stopped us and asked how much my dog weighed and I told him and he said, “Great, thanks — I do dog math for my job” and walked away.
CASHIER: how old are you?
ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts
ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that