@mjkspeaks

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

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@squirrel74wkgn

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

@CoolHegel

“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut

@Home_Halfway

*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*

@WildeThingy

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@Hadzilla

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

@melissadahl

Today I was walking my dog and a man stopped us and asked how much my dog weighed and I told him and he said, “Great, thanks — I do dog math for my job” and walked away.

@fakemikemulloy

*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?