a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Happy Thanksgiving
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir