I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I’m tired tomorrow.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.