My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
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Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Bless you
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no