a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
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Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
applying for a new job
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes