@jonnysun

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

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@Crutnacker

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

@TheAlexNevil

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

@SondraDeeMe

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

@roxiqt

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

@DannyZuker

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

@PimpleEye

Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.

@polite_good_boy

DOG: woof

ME: you wanna go outside?

DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof!

ME: ok just a second

DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@not_thenanny

Husband: *is grumpy*

Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed

6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?

@bacon_gillepic

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party