a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
How funny!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?