A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
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Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course