A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The Book. The Movie.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]