a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
every. time.
Only a mother’s love …
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral