@Storminika

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

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@littleshark87

“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”

“Depends how many cars roll over it”

I should do Kids TV shows.

@DammitLarry1

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

@henchbeaver

I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.

@DepecheALAmode

Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.

@tuckerflodman

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

@BooFricketyHoo

My plan to disappoint everyone I’ve ever known is exceeding my expectations.

@FilmsWeWant

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

@Ygrene

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

@bourgeoisalien

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

@zgbetty

The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.