A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.