A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.