A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
You Might Also Like
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.