I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
LOOOOOOL
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.