I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest