[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
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this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.