@LionJenkins

A cop that contemplates his existence:

Philofficer

You Might Also Like

@weinerdog4life

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

@KentWGraham

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

@AnnietheNanny1

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

@Chumpstring

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

@ArfMeasures

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

@InternetHippo

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

@SerialFuckup

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.