What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
A cop that contemplates his existence:
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Ask her why she looks so tired. That’ll wake her up.
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*
Priest: the bride, sir
Who puts their underwear on like that?