A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.

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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em



Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.


I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.


If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.


Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.


Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur


Canadians like to brag about getting all four seasons:

Almost Winter
After Winter
Not Winter


[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable


if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”