God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Always…
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
barbara was highly relatable
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.