@iliza

A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.

You Might Also Like

@mostly_cheese

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

@ValeeGrrl

[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field

@ShortSleeveSuit

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

@daddydoubts

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

@_ElvishPresley_

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

@MischievousJam

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food

@trustedshoe

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.