OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.
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[at son’s Little League game]
ME: which one’s yours
OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?
ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.