@iliza

A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.

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@thedad

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

@OctopusCaveman

[Starbucks]

Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.

@TheBoydP

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

@itweetmaya

If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.

@Fried_Tweeter

Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.

@scorpiusryan21

Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur

@Shock_Monster

Canadians like to brag about getting all four seasons:

Winter
Almost Winter
After Winter
Not Winter

@Megatronic13

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

@SuperJuanderer

if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”