A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I can’t wait!
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities