A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle