@RealPrincessKim

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

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@KeetPotato

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

@Scimommy

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

@sixfootcandy

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

@bobvulfov

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

@SharkJelly

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

@Smooheed

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

@HellRaisingHell

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

@ziiethwala

what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??

@KylePlantEmoji

Me πŸ™‚

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me πŸ™