A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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I can’t deal with men any longer
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*updates tinder bio*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car