@bestestname

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

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@RedRegenerated

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

@wendchymes

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

@RadWizzy

“bob is coming over for dinner”

“bob from work or bob who likes having sex with doors?”

(loud banging on the front door)

@DanMentos

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

@sofarrsogud

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

@lisaxy424

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

@squirrel74wkgn

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

@T_Bonezzz

Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway

@causticbob

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.