A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

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her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*


Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.


“bob is coming over for dinner”

“bob from work or bob who likes having sex with doors?”

(loud banging on the front door)


“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube


ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.


ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.


Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s


*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?


Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway


Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.