A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Incredible customer service.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.