A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

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Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.


I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex


[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”


It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated


Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.


[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it


If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies



me: is $5,000 enough?

stacy: you moron it’s bride not bribe


Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*