A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.