A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.


Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life

Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs

Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago


Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?


I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.


I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.


[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi


[Jumps into taxi]
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]


“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years


What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*


Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.