ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
What do you mean I’ve had enough to drink?!!
Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”
“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️