A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not