A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?