A couple who are silly together stay together.
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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Cashiers are always checking me out
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I unironically love this joke.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer