A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?