@Mom_Overboard

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

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@ronnui_

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

@sexncake

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

@robin_991

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

@Douchekevin

A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

@ilovepie84

Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.

@rob1792

Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don

@DanMentos

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”