A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place


I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.


The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.


A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice


Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.


Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”


Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing


FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don


[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?