A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia