A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
this is literally a CIA plant
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady